On Uphill Battles

The Household Health Inspection.

If a certified health inspector came into your home, you'd probably fail with flying colors, too. Kitchen sink hand-washing? Minus ten. Outdated cutting board? Minus twenty. Appetizers? Minus thirty. Pets? Fuhgeddaboudit! You're better off ordering in/paying for/and then poisoning yourself with the scraps from the gutter. (Enjoy.)

On Barber Shop Blues

Stranded Without a Scissor.

When our daily rituals are abruptly stripped from our routine, we're left paddle-less in a sinking canoe. The perfectly sweetened coffee by our guy on the corner (who's nowhere to be found) makes the forced alternative (Starbucks) taste like sour vinegar. The rerun of The Office, with the promising but repetitive comic relief of Michael Scott (That's What She Said) pales in comparison to the vibrant, unexpected sing-alongs (Madonna! Lady Gaga! Journey!) of the Glee club (who are on hiatus for Christmas vacation). And the barber/dentist/psychic who relocated (to the next street/town/planet) are as Irreplaceable as Beyonce's replacement. Enjoy!

On Roadside Manners

The Necessity of Pooper Scoopers.

On a fall day in 1985 during a walk through Park Slope (Brooklyn) in which the pavement was covered with a myriad of colorless, crispy leaves screaming for five-year-old children (like myself and my childhood best friend) to repeatedly stomp them to dust, we met the challenge with great anticipation for the consistent accompanying crunch. Until, that is, the crunch sound went silent. And with the confusion of the anomalous, noiseless autumn discard, my rose-petal pink tights were covered with brown splotches - the remnants of an irresponsible, manner-less dog walker whose laziness ruined an otherwise perfect afternoon. And, so, I second this writer's emotion and ask for the dog-walkers of today to respect thy neighbor, avoid the (tacit) fines, and give the five-years-old the fun in the sun they deserve. Enjoy!

On Moments that Make Us Grateful

For Better or Worse.

In the rare and most unfortunate moments when we're actually face-to-face with the worst case scenario, the light at the end of the tunnel is anything but illuminating. But that's life-in-a-nutshell and (most of the time) this too shall pass, with the strength, love, and resilience unimaginable until that moment. Enjoy!

On Mushrooming Ailments

Outside the Periphery.

A gross oversimplification of the human population might categorize folks into two groups: the risk-takers and everyone else. If you fall into the former, you'll likely spend your 29th birthday (not 30th) skydiving over snow-capped mountains, your backpacking trip through Europe on motorcycle instead of foot, and walking through the gutters of New York City without mere acknowledgment for oncoming traffic. For the rest of us, skydiving and motorcycles coincide with midlife crises and prozac, and looking both ways is second nature whether we're crossing the street or using the water cooler. And in between our (non) adventures, we learn from the risk-takers how to grasp the occasional adrenaline rush while simultaneously escaping death with the calculated precision of 'everyone else.' Enjoy!

On Notes in the Column

“Called here for girl.”

1910 Report Cards: Clues to the past blanket the antiquated index cards, from the handwriting that best articulated the students' social virtues to the photos that resemble mugshots ridden with grade school insecurity. And who these women would one day become-confident activists/mothers/lovers-existed merely as nascent soulfulness about whom notes were scribbled in the column. Enjoy!

On the Loss of Privacy

An Unsanitary Sanctuary.

For the people-watchers and eavesdroppers alike (incl myself), there is one obvious upside to the technological boom: other people's conversations. The number of submissions worthy of overheard.com has skyrocketed, and walking to the corner store for a carton of milk, a loaf of a bread, and a stick of butter is even more informative than the impossible but fantastical fantasy of being a fly on someone else's wall. Enjoy!